Flies, who strap in their doubt:
the motorcyclists in Thom Gunn’s poem “On the Move”
the Boys

I have been such a fly,
buzzing around the globe,
afraid to grow roots,
strapping in fear, angst, and emotional instability

It’s been an effective strategy for coping with distress
the only one available to me at times

But a rolling stone gathers no moss
and doubt is the opposite of faith
and the wheel of samsara keeps turning

How does faith grow?
It’s not something one can will or think oneself into

It whispers in the background
It has stillness and expensiveness

Doing “the work” takes you to a clearing
As does personal responsibility
But then a leap must be taken

I tell myself that I’m brave
yet Lesley says my biggest obstacle is fear

Next week I’ll be on retreat in France with LBC friends,
all seeking faith in their own way

I refuse to sever ties to Triratna… yet
Sangha is one of the three jewels

My friend from Belgium, Steven,
sent me a picture of his robes recently

I have been moved by his evolution
His robes are for his ordination