Jumping, looping, hopping
a grasshopper on the slopes of the Alps
oil hits a hot frying pan
spitting and spluttering
bare feet on the Sahara desert
the Duracell Bunny

Spitting across London
spluttering from Chiang Mai to Berlin to Alicante
hopping from the counter to the staff room and back
jumping up and down on my meditation cushion
looping through my instagram feed

Unable to stay in one place
disappearing and reappearing
a person one moment, a ghost the next

A pseudo Buddhist,
less Zen than a chicken who knows its time is up

You only lasted one month in the monastery

A spider lost in a web of data
A jack in the box
A scared butterfly
A cockerspaniel off the lead

Therapist is not buying it
you exploded at him once in the therapy room
he wasn’t buying that either
not the agitation, nor the scatteredness, nor the rage

“It’s all an act!” he says
“I don’t buy it. Good pretence though”

You appreciated him calling your bluff
The non-judgemental Rogerians could learn from him

D: “What’s the function of the agitation and jumpiness?”
C: “Wait, it has a function? I thought this was my nature.”
D: “It allows you to avoid the underlying sadness within you. And it allows you to avoid taking responsibility for the task of building your life.”

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
C: “And how does the sadness move?”
D: “By feeling it. And forgiveness.”

And then there is the *drop*
Have you ever had that?
The *drop* into a different dimension of being

What the Buddha calls no-self – anatta
Always already present
Waiting to reveal itself to you
But don’t forget – it’s not you!

Maybe, dear reader, you’ll have trouble conceiving of this experience
As much trouble as I had conceiving it

I was brought up as a Western individualist
with a Protestant *grip*
while being a lover of American entertainment
and big personalities like Howard Stern
I came of age in an era of ego-performativity

The Buddha’s teachings have been quite the contrast:
no-self, the unborn, the zero point, the formless, purposelessness, the void
These teachings have been deepening in me over the years
Their power and profundity self-evident

No-self is a gesture towards opening – widening – expanding – participating – sharing
a generosity of spirit
a trust
loosening the grip

Nirvana is a robust tent with which to bunker down in a storm
Not a limp nothingness
but an unentangled presence

The iron Goddess of mercy

It grows in stillness