Jumping, looping, hopping
A grasshopper on the slopes of the Alps
Oil hits a hot frying pan
Spitting and spluttering
Bare feet on the Sahara desert
The Duracell Bunny

Spitting across London
Spluttering from Chiang Mai to Berlin to Alicante
Hopping from the counter to the staff room and back
Jumping up and down on my meditation cushion
Looping through my instagram feed

Unable to stay in one place
Disappearing and reappearing
A person one moment, a ghost the next

A pseudo Buddhist,
Less Zen than a chicken who knows its time is up

You only lasted one month in the monastery

A spider lost in a web of data
A jack in the box
A scared butterfly
A cockerspaniel off the lead

Therapist is not buying it
You exploded at him once in the therapy room
He wasn’t buying that either
Not the agitation, nor the scatteredness, nor the rage

“It’s all an act!” he says
“I don’t buy it. Good pretence though”

You appreciated him calling your bluff.
The Freudians should learn this tactic.

D: “What’s the function of the agitation and jumpiness?”
C: “Wait, it has a function? I thought this was my nature.”
D: “It allows you to avoid the underlying sadness within you. And it allows you to avoid taking responsibility for the task of building your life.”

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
C: “And how does the sadness move?”
D: “By feeling it. And forgiveness.”

And then there is the *drop*
Have you ever had that?
The *drop* into a different dimension of being

What the Buddha calls no-self – anatta
Always already present
Waiting to reveal itself to you
But don’t forget – it’s not you!

Maybe, dear reader, you’ll have trouble conceiving of this experience
As much trouble as I had conceiving it

I was brought up as a Western individualist
with a Protestant *grip*
while being a lover of American entertainment
and big personalities like Howard Stern
I came of age in an era of ego-performativity

The Buddha’s teachings have been quite the contrast:
no-self, the unborn, the zero point, the formless, purposelessness, the void
These teachings have been deepening in me over the years
Their power and profundity self-evident

Applying “right view” in Berlin –
where divas parade
like peacocks and parrots and exotic birds
while being a diva yourself,
having just started a band

Ego is needed at times,
to drive forwards with momentum
Identity and intentionality are connected
self-belief and agency are connected

At Padmaloka once, I remember Vidyadaka saying,
“we’ll need to utilise some ego here to get tasks done during working week”

No-self is a gesture towards opening – widening – expanding – participating – sharing
a generosity of spirit
A trust
Loosening the grip

A kind of balance with which you ride the chaos that you find around you
It is not a matter of resolving the chaos
Because there’s something arrogant and war-like about putting the world in order
whereas there’s something poetic
about an escaped ski going down the mountain
over the contours of chaos

“Believe in yourself” :
a cute cliche or a fundamental principle?

Maybe change “believe in yourself” to “believe in no-self”

In my case,
if I trace back my ethical misdeeds
They are rooted in self-doubt, self-abandonment, if not self-hatred

I wish all people could think well of themselves
no matter the “reality” of themselves

The “reality” is not fixed, not essential,
a shimmering mirage
but shimmering
An appearance I’m learning to hold without grasping

Sand dunes

No-self, a decentred centre, perhaps –
but a kind of centre too!
The self is necessary, on some level!

Nirvana is a robust tent with which to bunker down in a storm
Many guy ropes
Not a limp nothingness
but an unentangled presence
The iron Goddess of mercy

Mask/space, persona/choir
The show must go on!!!
Enjoy the video game
You hold the controller, you wear the virtual reality glasses

Know that there is truth in the film playing through the virtual reality glasses
and truth in the space which opens when the glasses are put down

Aim towards less fabrication
The more minimal the fabrication, the more I trust it

You’ve had a fun time playing Aragorn in Berlin recent weeks
The swarthy hero
As much as a neroudivergent guy can play Aragorn, at any rate

But remember that Frodo is the real hero within you
Who can withstand any ordeal, any temptation
“Small” , vulnerable, but indefatigable

Frodo is the real hero inside all of us (Jesus)