I’ve been drinking from the anxiety/adhd cocktail for a decade
The conditions have been accelarating in the last few years

If I am a sea, the sea speaks in capricious tongues
hums like velvet, then sharply stuns
it kisses the rocks, then claws them apart
a fickle companion, a mercurial heart

“The very deep did rot: O Christ!
That ever this should be!
Yea, slimy things did crawl with legs
Upon the slimy sea”

I am a slimy thing upon the slimy sea
an ancient mariner lurking at the weddings of newlyweds
a zombie-like fragment of the Real

Vitality is the antidote
“The spirit of evil is negation of the life force by fear”
Go where there is life, at all costs – seek out what brings you alive

I have ADHD of the genetic kind
not the late modernity societal kind
It’s jarring to see people with technology addictions saying their condition is the same as mine
Cramming two pills of Elvanse a day
followed by sertaline and propranolol
plus valium / diazepam from the local dealer

A friend compared me to the Incredible Hulk
Wild dissipated energy
It’s painful to live inside a container which sucks the energy from me
leaches my blood like a vampire

Zero executive function
Letting people down
Unreliable
missed opportunities
Racing thoughts, colliding feelings, mirrored in the physical spaces I inhabit


Mark Fisher talks about how zombie forms of the 20th century refuse to die in
We are haunted by zombie forms, by a spectral presence
Timothy Morton praises these zombies and monsrous chymeric fusions of new beings
But I’m a zombie form, not in the positive sense



many scatterbrained people who unroductive and keep struggling with routines that don’t work would do better by giving to being bursty and uneven and optimizing the bursts

Uneven and bursty is an understatement for how I live my life

I write poetry rather than prose because it’s all my attention span can hold

The drug ketamine is described as dreamy, floaty, at times leading
That’s how I describe my daily subjective extreme
In a kind of scattered haze, stumbling around, zombie-like, prone to the odd panic attack
inside an earthquake
spasms of impulses and intense feeling shooting through me
capricious and volatile

First step: look back at the all obstacles I conquered in the past
Obstacles and

Simon Crow


John Lennon died in 1980, at the age of 40
Frank Zappa died in 1993, at the age of 53
But what both men managed to do in their years here!
They *did* something, they *created* something, they *made* something
Life is in the doing and creating and making
It is worth doing these things, Alexander told me
Don’t forget what is worthwile
These doings generate meaning. In these nihilistic times, don’t forget that meaning is possible
Nihilistic
Every time I reach for my phone, that is a nihilistic act of self-abandonment

“There’s something about Buddhists… I’m not sure what but there’s something about Buddhists”

work and love